Sleep

     Last night, sleep came easy.

     Considering I took on a lot of work the night before and the morning of yesterday, sleep was pleasant. The addition of sharing the sheets with the love of my life was the... ahem... final nail on that coffin.

     Felt chills with that one.

     Woke up to wish him a joyous day and then walked out to an empty house.

     I think it's the first time this week that I've been able to sleep without interruption. Without waking in the middle of the night with panic and thoughts of the biggest fear I've known. I thought my arachnophobia would be the worst that I'd have to deal with... but this is worse.

    Fortunately, I had an amazing day yesterday (a few hiccups) and the best sleep this week.

    I never appreciated sleep so much. I almost thank this anxiety for making me appreciate little things... even if it's a double-edged blade. Appreciation and remorse go hand-in-hand these days. I'm happy I experience something, then I'm sad that I'll leave it one day, then fear that day. The end of all days. The end of all my own memories. The end of being able to create more.

     There are those chills again. The ones that turn my blood cold, make it hard to breathe, send my heart racing faster than ever. The ones that say, 'It's true. One day you will die." I have been told to breathe. My mind argues to do it until I can't anymore. I've been told to take it a day at a time. My mind retorts that my days are numbered. I've been told to appreciate the good and brush off the bad. My mind replies that nothing matters because it's all going to end.

     I don't know what's gonna happen when we pass on. I don't know why I'm being hit with the anxiety now. I don't know why I want answers I KNOW do not exist. I don't know why I imagine the end, my last breath, nearly every moment that I'm idle. All I know is that I have to come to grips with this. I had before and now it came back 40xs stronger for some reason.

     I have to accept this part of living. Everything dies. Everyone dies. Others have come before me and have gone. The most we can do is try to make this world better for those we leave behind. 'We must live well to die well'- the Dali Lama has said.

     I believe this is a thought that would help.

     Instead of lashing out at people and falling to levels where you don't belong, we can help the helpless. We can clean up the messes left by those before us. We can fix the wrongs and accept the changes. We can flow with time. I have to believe that if I can help those that are worst off than myself, I will feel better about leaving this world behind... because at least I'll have done something meaningful.

     I don't know if that negates everything and makes it selfish. I just wanna do good. This world is tough and beautiful and a hell of a struggle. I just wanna help others who may need it.

Til next time!