Have you ever been in a toxic relationship? How do you know if they're toxic? How did you know if you didn't develop any of their traits? How do you know it isn't hereditary or like a tick we can pick up? Is there ever a happy ending?
I have lived with a toxic person for 20+ years and didn't even know it until recently. I thought she was just being unreasonable or acting out of stress. I was so forgiving that I would feel bad at every fight as if I was always the one at fault. And it would feel like I was the one who always messed up, who always made the fight happen, who could have avoided the fight but was so stupid.
After I met my boyfriend, I started to get more interested in psychology. I realized why I had a quick temper and high defenses when I would meet someone new or argue with someone else. How I was able to turn the argument around so that whoever I argued with ended up apologizing even if I was at fault. I had always been that way. I could never relax. I saw it as normal.
My mother raised me that way.
I recently looked up the traits of a Gaslighting Narcissist and found that they fit her to a 'T'. She was unforgiving, quick to point fingers, blame me, never apologized or said she was ever wrong, would blow little things up, would verbally assault me and everyone around me, made any of my efforts seem insignificant and made me out to be a bad person.
I know I've stated everything in past tense but it's all very present. She still breathes and I still live with her. LA is expensive and unforgiving.
Before you all comment something like 'Move out!' 'You have to get out of there!' I should state again that this is LA. I would pay the same rent I'm paying now for a three-bedroom and two bathroom apartment but for a measly little condo with no door between my room and the rest of the apartment. We only got this apartment because of my grandfather's good credit; may he rest in peace.
There is no escape and no matter how anyone feels about being trapped under quarantine- it's no where NEAR how trapped one feels with a toxic person. You may have issues with your parents and some of you can proclaim proudly that you moved out very young or never went back after college, but I can't do that. I don't have the funds nor do I think I have the will power. She's the last line of family I have here in the US. Everyone else is 8hrs South via plane with no rest stops.
Consider me old-fashioned, but I believe I want to live by myself with myself before I move in with my significant other for goddess knows how long.
Having found out how this horrible woman was affecting me, I realized the power of self-worth and shutting down your emotions to think clearly. When the monster can no longer affect you, they move on to any other weakness they can attack. She'd verbally assault my boyfriend but never to his face beyond giving him a dry look. She'd verbally assault all of my friends through the years but again, never to their faces. Only for my reactions and for my anger and pain.
To top everything off, she's a hoarder. She's got piles of clothes along the walls of the living room and piled around the extra two rooms. She sleeps on the sofa because the beds are unavailable. I think it's a sense of control that she claws onto. If I ask to assist with organizing or tossing things out, she won't let me near it. If I move anything when she's not home, she realizes and gets mad at me. She's had to move things into my closet to make the appearance that there isn't as much as suspected during annual apartment checks.
After I realized what kind of person she is, I began to set restrictions. She isn't to ask me how much money I have in my accounts, or enter my room if the door is closed, or move things into my closet ever. So far only the entering the room portion is a constant issue. Only until tonight did she ask about the stimulus check and whether I received it. I refused to answer and she and I had a fight where she tried her usual tricks and I did something new: I would only respond with the characteristics of a narcissist.
When she goes to work tomorrow, I'm going to organize a few things in the kitchen (like toss out old mugs and stupid unused and greasy plastic containers). She said I was being lazy here at home and doing nothing while she goes to work at FedEx, so I'm going to do something that I should have done years ago. For years now, the only power I hold is in my own room (the master bedroom), where I have a big closet and my own bathroom and little need to go out into the rest of the house. As a chef, the kitchen should be my domain as well, especially since she expects dinner after work, yet she has stored garbage within it's cupboards and cabinets that should be organized. Things I need or want to use are lost to piles and piles of unusable trinkets and old cups and grease and cockroach poop.
I'll give her a single point and stop being lazy. I'm organizing my domain.
Hell hath no fury like a chef scorned by disorganization. Wish me luck!
